It will never happen, but what if? What if Heisman runner-up Manti Te'o, former 7-time Tour De France winner Lance Armstrong and S.W.A.T.S. owner Mitch Ross (you know, the deer antler spray guy from just outside Birmingham) enjoyed a festive dinner together? This is what you might hear:
Te'o: "Man, I'm famished- what's for dinner?"
Ross: "Venison".
Armstrong: "I doped some venison blood once before a marathon- I ran like Bambi".
Te'o: "I believe it."
Armstrong: "Of course you do Manti, you believe anything."
Ross: "Did you know there is naturally occurring IGF-1 in deer meat and deer antlers? Just sprayed some on today."
Armstrong: "Great... by the way, Mitch, do you own any shirts with sleeves?"
Ross: "Have you done your homework? I think you'll find the answer."
Te'o: "I miss doing my homework with Lennay."
Armstrong: "Manti, you're an idiot."
Ross: "Yea, Manti- if you had been wearing my hologram chips, your two brains would have warned you not to be suckered into that hoax."
Armstrong: Mitch is right Manti. Maybe it would have prevented you from being catfished."
Ross: Did you know there is naturally ocurring IGF-1 in catfish eggs? Had a few over easy for breakfast.
Te'o: "I believe it."
Armstrong: "And I suppose, Mitch, that you washed them down with your negativley charged water?"
Ross: "Hey- if you had taken my water and supplements you would still have your seven Tour De France titles and never would have had to talk to Oprah."
Te'o: "I believe it."
Ross: "Man, are you gullible, Manti- good thing Finebaum is off the radio for three months. If he got ahold of you he'd roast you."
Armstrong: "Isn't Finebaum that weasel who does a talk show on Sirius/XM?"
Ross: "That reminds me- did you know there is naturally occurring IGF-1 in weasel urine? We harvest weasels in South America, extract the urine, and supply it to athletes all over the world. Just yesterday Ray Lewis and a bunch of Ravens drank some before the Super Bowl."
Armstrong: "The Niners sure could have used some."
Te'o: "I bet Beyonce had some- she was so fine she didn't seem real." I wish Lennay was real. By the way- is AJ McCarron's girlfriend Katherine Webb real? Whenever I see her I just think 'Man, she's unreal. Ha Ha! Get it? Unreal?"
Ross: "I tell you what Manti. When you get to the NFL, I'll chip you up and slide you a few bottles of deer antler spray." If anyone asks you about it, just tell them it never existed."
Armstrong: "Where does that put me? I'm still living in the Hall Of Shame.
Ross: "I'll tell you what. The Boston Marathon is in April. You let me work you up, and when you win that race in world record time, you will be so famous you might get Sheryl back.
Te'o: "Is she real?"
Armstrong: "Will it never end?" Now, what's for desert?
Ross: "One taste of my all-natural armadillo intestine cheesecake and you'll be doing back flips."
Te'o: "I believe it."
Armstrong: "I'm outta here you dopes."
Te'o: "Look who's calling who a dope."
"Ross: "Wait, come back guys! Did I tell you about the time I chipped up Betty White?"
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